The stages of grief

So warning this is mostly for me to get what I'm feeling down on paper so it's probably of little interest to anyone else. My job is to help people through grief. I'm a CNA whose speciality is hospice that means I take care of the dying. My job has given me some wonderful heartwarming spirit filled experiences. I had learned about the stages of grief. I have taught it to others. I have helped family members and patients alike go through the process and the stages. It wasn't until almost a year ago that I had to go through them first hand myself. Everything I knew everything I had been taught could never have prepared me for what the last year of going through the stages of grief would be like. It's been hell. When I got the call that my mom had passed away just before Christmas Eve I was in my front room of my apartment. I remember wondering how I was going to get through this. My training kicked in and started to run on adrenaline. As I went through the stages of grief for the first time I could rationalize in my head oh I have hit anger or oh I have hot denial. But going through them was a whole different story emotionally. I hit denial the first time in the middle of my moms funeral. I frantically thought wait has anyone checked to see of she is really dead? What if she isn't what if they didn't do it thoroughly enough? It took everything I had to keep sitting on the bench and not going running up and check. Rationally I knew that I had hit denial. It didn't make it any less intense. I hit anger for the first time when I was cleaning up the kitchen in my parents house. My dad had gone to do some last minute shopping for Christmas and I had extra energy. I went to go get the broom and tripped over something stubbing my toe. It was such a little thing but I was suddenly screaming at my mom about how she could this to us and how could she leave for Christmas. This was her holiday the one she loved and we were constantly having to tell her that no she couldn't just skip thanksgiving and go on to Christmas. I'm surprised the neighbors didn't come over to see what the noise was about. I finally got in my car and drove to the temple as it was the only thing that could calm my anger. As I went through the year I hit every stage of grief. I would cycle back and forth. People would ask me if I was ok or if there was anything they could do. There wasn't I was just sad. I hid it pretty well after awhile no one wants to be around someone who is sad all the time. Now the holidays are here once again. I don't particularly like the holidays. A couple years ago my family and I had a pretty big falling out resulting in us not talking for a couple of years. I got used to spending my holidays at work so that other people could spend them with their families. But every year when Christmas would come around I would think of my mom it was her favorite holiday. I would think of the argument that my mom and dad would get into when my mom wanted to put up the tree in November and my dad insisted she wait until at least thanksgiving. Though my family and I have since reconciled holidays are still hard for me. I feel kind of like I'm a stranger in my own family. I went through so many different experiences when we were apart and they have a bond that comes from living with each other and being around each other. Where I seethem twice a year. It's gotten better but I wish I could figure out how to bridge that gap. I think I have finally hit depression pretty hard but even though I'm trained and have been taught and helped numerous people through it. I don't know how to help myself. Will I just snap out of it? Will it get better? All I know is I feel very alone and I can barely walk into a store without crying from seeing all of the Christmas stuff everywhere. I wish I could handle this but I'm tired of pretending I'm ok and I'm tired of being sad. I'm just tired.