The stages of grief

So warning this is mostly for me to get what I'm feeling down on paper so it's probably of little interest to anyone else. My job is to help people through grief. I'm a CNA whose speciality is hospice that means I take care of the dying. My job has given me some wonderful heartwarming spirit filled experiences. I had learned about the stages of grief. I have taught it to others. I have helped family members and patients alike go through the process and the stages. It wasn't until almost a year ago that I had to go through them first hand myself. Everything I knew everything I had been taught could never have prepared me for what the last year of going through the stages of grief would be like. It's been hell. When I got the call that my mom had passed away just before Christmas Eve I was in my front room of my apartment. I remember wondering how I was going to get through this. My training kicked in and started to run on adrenaline. As I went through the stages of grief for the first time I could rationalize in my head oh I have hit anger or oh I have hot denial. But going through them was a whole different story emotionally. I hit denial the first time in the middle of my moms funeral. I frantically thought wait has anyone checked to see of she is really dead? What if she isn't what if they didn't do it thoroughly enough? It took everything I had to keep sitting on the bench and not going running up and check. Rationally I knew that I had hit denial. It didn't make it any less intense. I hit anger for the first time when I was cleaning up the kitchen in my parents house. My dad had gone to do some last minute shopping for Christmas and I had extra energy. I went to go get the broom and tripped over something stubbing my toe. It was such a little thing but I was suddenly screaming at my mom about how she could this to us and how could she leave for Christmas. This was her holiday the one she loved and we were constantly having to tell her that no she couldn't just skip thanksgiving and go on to Christmas. I'm surprised the neighbors didn't come over to see what the noise was about. I finally got in my car and drove to the temple as it was the only thing that could calm my anger. As I went through the year I hit every stage of grief. I would cycle back and forth. People would ask me if I was ok or if there was anything they could do. There wasn't I was just sad. I hid it pretty well after awhile no one wants to be around someone who is sad all the time. Now the holidays are here once again. I don't particularly like the holidays. A couple years ago my family and I had a pretty big falling out resulting in us not talking for a couple of years. I got used to spending my holidays at work so that other people could spend them with their families. But every year when Christmas would come around I would think of my mom it was her favorite holiday. I would think of the argument that my mom and dad would get into when my mom wanted to put up the tree in November and my dad insisted she wait until at least thanksgiving. Though my family and I have since reconciled holidays are still hard for me. I feel kind of like I'm a stranger in my own family. I went through so many different experiences when we were apart and they have a bond that comes from living with each other and being around each other. Where I seethem twice a year. It's gotten better but I wish I could figure out how to bridge that gap. I think I have finally hit depression pretty hard but even though I'm trained and have been taught and helped numerous people through it. I don't know how to help myself. Will I just snap out of it? Will it get better? All I know is I feel very alone and I can barely walk into a store without crying from seeing all of the Christmas stuff everywhere. I wish I could handle this but I'm tired of pretending I'm ok and I'm tired of being sad. I'm just tired.

My mothers passing.

so I am starting this post with a warning. this is about the day my mom passed away. I am sure this isnt really interesting to anyone but me but It is more of a record of how I felt and what happened since apparently my grief counselor thinks this would be a good way to deal with my feelings. If this offends you or makes you uncomfortable please dont read =) December 23 2013 I woke up to my phone ringing. It was my day off and I didnt recognize the number so I just let it go to voicemail. I strectched and thought about what I needed to do for christmas and what I was going to do with my day. I got up to see if my roommate was home. she wasnt and as I was deciding if I wanted to eat something my voicemail notification beeped. I picked up my phone and walked to the front room. As I listened to the voicemail I slowly sank down to my knees. It was my dad telling my my mom had passed away and to call him back. I frantically called him back. My brother answered the phone and I asked him what was going on. He replied he didnt know and did I want to talk to dad. My dad got on the phone and I asked him what had happened he said he didnt know and that the coroner was there. I told him that I was calling my grandparents and I was on my way down. I hung up and in a panic realized I was scheduled to work a sixteen hour shift the next day. I called my boss and then i started crying. My boss was more than understanding telling me to take as long as I needed. I called my grandparents and told them my grandmother was obviously shocked and didnt know what to say I told her I was on my way to her house before heading down to st george. I still hadnt gotten off my knees. Once I had made all of these calls I realized that I now had to get up. I dont know where I got the strength to get up but I did and I got in the shower. My roommate came home and helped me pack my stuff. As I started to drive down to salt lake my phone was going off as word spread through family and friends. I got to my grandparents and walked up the driveway at this point I was still numb. My grandmother hugged me and told me to sit down. She asked me how I was feeling and I couldnt really answer. My grandfather took my car to change my oil and make sure my tires were ok. I called one of my best friends Ryan who knew immediatily something was wrong as we rarely if ever called each other. That brought on a round of crying. My phone continued to ring I decided to ignore it. It was just too much. My grandpa and grandma and I said a prayer before I left to go to st george. I looked at my grandpa and said I dont want to go. He hugged me and told me he loved me and that I could do this. I got in the car and started to drive. I was going to be alone for the next five hours and I didnt know what I was going to do. As I got on the free way the words to the hymn nearer my god to thee came into my mind. Nearer, my God, to thee, Nearer to thee! E'en though it be a cross That raiseth me. Still all my song shall be (Chorus) Nearer, my God, to thee, Nearer, my God, to thee, Nearer to thee! 2. Though like the wanderer, The sun gone down, Darkness be over me, My rest a stone, Yet in my dreams I'd be 3. There let the way appear, Steps unto heav'n; All that thou sendest me, In mercy giv'n; Angels to beckon me 4. Then with my waking thoughts Bright with thy praise, Out of my stony griefs Bethel I'll raise; So by my woes to be 5. Or if, on joyful wing Cleaving the sky, Sun, moon, and stars forgot, Upward I fly, Still all my song shall be As I started to pray I felt as if someone was sitting in the passenger seat beside me holding my hand as I cried. The entire five hour drive that feeling never went away. I was never left alone. I pulled into St George all I wanted to do was turn around and go back home. St George held too many bad memories and feelings for me anyway, now this just added to it. I pulled up to my parents house and sat in my car. I called my grandparents to let them know I had arrived safe. I once again told them I didnt want to do this. Walking up to that door was one of the hardest things I had ever done in my life. Some small part of me still had a hope that when that door opened my mom would be sitting there laughing and that it would all be a very bad awful joke. My parents and I had a rocky relationship and I hadnt spoken to my dad in about a year I had no idea what kind of reception I would get once I knocked on that door. As I stood there wondering how on earth I was going to face this I felt a warm comforting feeling that I would not be going through this alone. I knocked on the door and my moms step brother byron answered it. He invited me in and I saw my dad sitting on the couch. He stood up and I decided to go with what I felt was right and hugged him. He hugged me back and we sat down. I asked where my siblings were everyone was gone except stephen who wandered in said hello to me and wandered out. My dad then told me what had happened. As they are particularly painful and very private I wont go into what happened out of respect for both my parents. I sat there in shock wondering how I was going to deal with all of this. I looked at my dad and said that I knew we werent particularly happy with each other at the moment but that in light of the circumstances could we just let it go. he said of course and hugged me again. I felt relief and gratitude that we were able to forgive each other and move on. Then started the parade of visitors. I felt like a circus attraction. since I lived in salt lake and very rarely came down to st george no one knew who I was. I was asked a lot if I was a friend of the family. After about the tenth time of being asked this I started replying that I was the daughter they kept in the basement. I may have been a tad frusturated. My siblings were all with their own friends dealing with what had happened and my dad was busy with the bishop as I had no real connections to anyone in St George other than Ryan I was sort of at a lost with what to do with myself. I finally went to bed expecting to be awake all night instead I fell asleep almost as soon as I layed down. The next morning I woke up and it was christmas eve. We went to the morturary to make arrangements. My entire career I have dealt with death. I started out as a CNA went on to be a med tech and then became a CNA that specialized in hospice. I dealt with grieving families every day and saying goodbye to residents who I had come to love and care for.nothing could have prepared me for when it was my own family member. We sat around the table they bring families into to discuss arrangements we started to joke about how out mom would have loved the table. It felt good to laugh again. We went through everything and decided on a family only viewing and a funeral to be held on saturday after christmas was over. My sister and I picked out the flowers. after we were done My dad and Byron wanted to do some christmas shopping as it was my moms favorite holiday and we knew she would want us to still celebrate it. I went back to my parents house and wondered what to do with myself. I had a lot of pent up energy so I started to clean. I know the stages of grief. How often had I explained them to a family member? Not until that moment had I fully understood them and how they come on in waves. As I hit the angry stage rationally I knew what was going on but that didnt stop me from being angry. I finally lost it when I tripped over something in family room. I screamed and threw the cloth that I had in my hand against the wall. I cried and started yelling at my mom as if she was standing right in front of me. I screamed that it wasnt fair and how could she do this to me and to our family? As I calmed down I realize d I had probably terrified the neighbors and it was a really good thing I was in the house alone. I decided I needed to go find some peace and the only place I was going to be able to do that at the time was to go to the temple. I had forgotten my temple recommend but even being on the grounds I knew would be soothing. I wandered around as it was christmas eve there were not a lot of people there, I wandered into the visitors center and stared at a picture of christ. A sister missionary came up to me asking where I was from I told her salt lake and she asked why I had come. I told her my mom had just passed away and I had come for the funeral. She expressed her sorrow and asked if I was a member. I told her yes and how grateful I was for the plan of salvation. I was probably rude but I needed to be alone so I walked away from her . I sat on the bench that I used to go too when I was a teenager and needed the comfort the temple offered. I sat there thinking how amazing it was that although I was grieving because of my moms death that I also had comfort that this life is not the end that there is life after death and that my mother was finally home and at peace. My testimony of the plan of salvation and of the fact that my parents had gotten sealed in the temple to be a forever family was what was going to get me through the next couple of days. I finally felt the peace that I needed to be able to not be as angry as before. I decided to go back to the house before my dad got home and wondered where I had gone. I went back and finished cleaning with the help of my litte sister claire. My dad came home and started to wrap presents. I had never especially liked christmas but I knew that this christmas was going to be hard. that night before going to bed my dad asked us to share a funny story or a memorable moment about our mom. pretty soon we were all laughing at my mothers antics from her driving up the wrong side of the freeway ramp. to getting a cat and trying to hide it so my dad didnt find out she had rescued ANOTHER cat lol. We then had a family prayer and went to bed. we woke up and my siblings started opening presents I hadnt expected anything as no one had planned on me being there for christmas. I was extremely touched to find out that my dad had gotten me a few gifts including a quilt that matched my room perfectly. when I told him this he told me he had had help from above picking it out. We then spent the day quietly enjoying each others company and strange as it sounds having a good christmas. There was a peace and a love that we all felt that day. I felt my moms spirit with me as I went about that day and I knew that she was happy to have me home for christmas. I will have to write about the funeral another day this has taken too much out of me as it is. I ask that you be kind as you read this I am sure its not very interesting to you but it has been theraputic to me and I will be glad to have expressed it.