The stages of grief

So warning this is mostly for me to get what I'm feeling down on paper so it's probably of little interest to anyone else. My job is to help people through grief. I'm a CNA whose speciality is hospice that means I take care of the dying. My job has given me some wonderful heartwarming spirit filled experiences. I had learned about the stages of grief. I have taught it to others. I have helped family members and patients alike go through the process and the stages. It wasn't until almost a year ago that I had to go through them first hand myself. Everything I knew everything I had been taught could never have prepared me for what the last year of going through the stages of grief would be like. It's been hell. When I got the call that my mom had passed away just before Christmas Eve I was in my front room of my apartment. I remember wondering how I was going to get through this. My training kicked in and started to run on adrenaline. As I went through the stages of grief for the first time I could rationalize in my head oh I have hit anger or oh I have hot denial. But going through them was a whole different story emotionally. I hit denial the first time in the middle of my moms funeral. I frantically thought wait has anyone checked to see of she is really dead? What if she isn't what if they didn't do it thoroughly enough? It took everything I had to keep sitting on the bench and not going running up and check. Rationally I knew that I had hit denial. It didn't make it any less intense. I hit anger for the first time when I was cleaning up the kitchen in my parents house. My dad had gone to do some last minute shopping for Christmas and I had extra energy. I went to go get the broom and tripped over something stubbing my toe. It was such a little thing but I was suddenly screaming at my mom about how she could this to us and how could she leave for Christmas. This was her holiday the one she loved and we were constantly having to tell her that no she couldn't just skip thanksgiving and go on to Christmas. I'm surprised the neighbors didn't come over to see what the noise was about. I finally got in my car and drove to the temple as it was the only thing that could calm my anger. As I went through the year I hit every stage of grief. I would cycle back and forth. People would ask me if I was ok or if there was anything they could do. There wasn't I was just sad. I hid it pretty well after awhile no one wants to be around someone who is sad all the time. Now the holidays are here once again. I don't particularly like the holidays. A couple years ago my family and I had a pretty big falling out resulting in us not talking for a couple of years. I got used to spending my holidays at work so that other people could spend them with their families. But every year when Christmas would come around I would think of my mom it was her favorite holiday. I would think of the argument that my mom and dad would get into when my mom wanted to put up the tree in November and my dad insisted she wait until at least thanksgiving. Though my family and I have since reconciled holidays are still hard for me. I feel kind of like I'm a stranger in my own family. I went through so many different experiences when we were apart and they have a bond that comes from living with each other and being around each other. Where I seethem twice a year. It's gotten better but I wish I could figure out how to bridge that gap. I think I have finally hit depression pretty hard but even though I'm trained and have been taught and helped numerous people through it. I don't know how to help myself. Will I just snap out of it? Will it get better? All I know is I feel very alone and I can barely walk into a store without crying from seeing all of the Christmas stuff everywhere. I wish I could handle this but I'm tired of pretending I'm ok and I'm tired of being sad. I'm just tired.

My mothers passing.

so I am starting this post with a warning. this is about the day my mom passed away. I am sure this isnt really interesting to anyone but me but It is more of a record of how I felt and what happened since apparently my grief counselor thinks this would be a good way to deal with my feelings. If this offends you or makes you uncomfortable please dont read =) December 23 2013 I woke up to my phone ringing. It was my day off and I didnt recognize the number so I just let it go to voicemail. I strectched and thought about what I needed to do for christmas and what I was going to do with my day. I got up to see if my roommate was home. she wasnt and as I was deciding if I wanted to eat something my voicemail notification beeped. I picked up my phone and walked to the front room. As I listened to the voicemail I slowly sank down to my knees. It was my dad telling my my mom had passed away and to call him back. I frantically called him back. My brother answered the phone and I asked him what was going on. He replied he didnt know and did I want to talk to dad. My dad got on the phone and I asked him what had happened he said he didnt know and that the coroner was there. I told him that I was calling my grandparents and I was on my way down. I hung up and in a panic realized I was scheduled to work a sixteen hour shift the next day. I called my boss and then i started crying. My boss was more than understanding telling me to take as long as I needed. I called my grandparents and told them my grandmother was obviously shocked and didnt know what to say I told her I was on my way to her house before heading down to st george. I still hadnt gotten off my knees. Once I had made all of these calls I realized that I now had to get up. I dont know where I got the strength to get up but I did and I got in the shower. My roommate came home and helped me pack my stuff. As I started to drive down to salt lake my phone was going off as word spread through family and friends. I got to my grandparents and walked up the driveway at this point I was still numb. My grandmother hugged me and told me to sit down. She asked me how I was feeling and I couldnt really answer. My grandfather took my car to change my oil and make sure my tires were ok. I called one of my best friends Ryan who knew immediatily something was wrong as we rarely if ever called each other. That brought on a round of crying. My phone continued to ring I decided to ignore it. It was just too much. My grandpa and grandma and I said a prayer before I left to go to st george. I looked at my grandpa and said I dont want to go. He hugged me and told me he loved me and that I could do this. I got in the car and started to drive. I was going to be alone for the next five hours and I didnt know what I was going to do. As I got on the free way the words to the hymn nearer my god to thee came into my mind. Nearer, my God, to thee, Nearer to thee! E'en though it be a cross That raiseth me. Still all my song shall be (Chorus) Nearer, my God, to thee, Nearer, my God, to thee, Nearer to thee! 2. Though like the wanderer, The sun gone down, Darkness be over me, My rest a stone, Yet in my dreams I'd be 3. There let the way appear, Steps unto heav'n; All that thou sendest me, In mercy giv'n; Angels to beckon me 4. Then with my waking thoughts Bright with thy praise, Out of my stony griefs Bethel I'll raise; So by my woes to be 5. Or if, on joyful wing Cleaving the sky, Sun, moon, and stars forgot, Upward I fly, Still all my song shall be As I started to pray I felt as if someone was sitting in the passenger seat beside me holding my hand as I cried. The entire five hour drive that feeling never went away. I was never left alone. I pulled into St George all I wanted to do was turn around and go back home. St George held too many bad memories and feelings for me anyway, now this just added to it. I pulled up to my parents house and sat in my car. I called my grandparents to let them know I had arrived safe. I once again told them I didnt want to do this. Walking up to that door was one of the hardest things I had ever done in my life. Some small part of me still had a hope that when that door opened my mom would be sitting there laughing and that it would all be a very bad awful joke. My parents and I had a rocky relationship and I hadnt spoken to my dad in about a year I had no idea what kind of reception I would get once I knocked on that door. As I stood there wondering how on earth I was going to face this I felt a warm comforting feeling that I would not be going through this alone. I knocked on the door and my moms step brother byron answered it. He invited me in and I saw my dad sitting on the couch. He stood up and I decided to go with what I felt was right and hugged him. He hugged me back and we sat down. I asked where my siblings were everyone was gone except stephen who wandered in said hello to me and wandered out. My dad then told me what had happened. As they are particularly painful and very private I wont go into what happened out of respect for both my parents. I sat there in shock wondering how I was going to deal with all of this. I looked at my dad and said that I knew we werent particularly happy with each other at the moment but that in light of the circumstances could we just let it go. he said of course and hugged me again. I felt relief and gratitude that we were able to forgive each other and move on. Then started the parade of visitors. I felt like a circus attraction. since I lived in salt lake and very rarely came down to st george no one knew who I was. I was asked a lot if I was a friend of the family. After about the tenth time of being asked this I started replying that I was the daughter they kept in the basement. I may have been a tad frusturated. My siblings were all with their own friends dealing with what had happened and my dad was busy with the bishop as I had no real connections to anyone in St George other than Ryan I was sort of at a lost with what to do with myself. I finally went to bed expecting to be awake all night instead I fell asleep almost as soon as I layed down. The next morning I woke up and it was christmas eve. We went to the morturary to make arrangements. My entire career I have dealt with death. I started out as a CNA went on to be a med tech and then became a CNA that specialized in hospice. I dealt with grieving families every day and saying goodbye to residents who I had come to love and care for.nothing could have prepared me for when it was my own family member. We sat around the table they bring families into to discuss arrangements we started to joke about how out mom would have loved the table. It felt good to laugh again. We went through everything and decided on a family only viewing and a funeral to be held on saturday after christmas was over. My sister and I picked out the flowers. after we were done My dad and Byron wanted to do some christmas shopping as it was my moms favorite holiday and we knew she would want us to still celebrate it. I went back to my parents house and wondered what to do with myself. I had a lot of pent up energy so I started to clean. I know the stages of grief. How often had I explained them to a family member? Not until that moment had I fully understood them and how they come on in waves. As I hit the angry stage rationally I knew what was going on but that didnt stop me from being angry. I finally lost it when I tripped over something in family room. I screamed and threw the cloth that I had in my hand against the wall. I cried and started yelling at my mom as if she was standing right in front of me. I screamed that it wasnt fair and how could she do this to me and to our family? As I calmed down I realize d I had probably terrified the neighbors and it was a really good thing I was in the house alone. I decided I needed to go find some peace and the only place I was going to be able to do that at the time was to go to the temple. I had forgotten my temple recommend but even being on the grounds I knew would be soothing. I wandered around as it was christmas eve there were not a lot of people there, I wandered into the visitors center and stared at a picture of christ. A sister missionary came up to me asking where I was from I told her salt lake and she asked why I had come. I told her my mom had just passed away and I had come for the funeral. She expressed her sorrow and asked if I was a member. I told her yes and how grateful I was for the plan of salvation. I was probably rude but I needed to be alone so I walked away from her . I sat on the bench that I used to go too when I was a teenager and needed the comfort the temple offered. I sat there thinking how amazing it was that although I was grieving because of my moms death that I also had comfort that this life is not the end that there is life after death and that my mother was finally home and at peace. My testimony of the plan of salvation and of the fact that my parents had gotten sealed in the temple to be a forever family was what was going to get me through the next couple of days. I finally felt the peace that I needed to be able to not be as angry as before. I decided to go back to the house before my dad got home and wondered where I had gone. I went back and finished cleaning with the help of my litte sister claire. My dad came home and started to wrap presents. I had never especially liked christmas but I knew that this christmas was going to be hard. that night before going to bed my dad asked us to share a funny story or a memorable moment about our mom. pretty soon we were all laughing at my mothers antics from her driving up the wrong side of the freeway ramp. to getting a cat and trying to hide it so my dad didnt find out she had rescued ANOTHER cat lol. We then had a family prayer and went to bed. we woke up and my siblings started opening presents I hadnt expected anything as no one had planned on me being there for christmas. I was extremely touched to find out that my dad had gotten me a few gifts including a quilt that matched my room perfectly. when I told him this he told me he had had help from above picking it out. We then spent the day quietly enjoying each others company and strange as it sounds having a good christmas. There was a peace and a love that we all felt that day. I felt my moms spirit with me as I went about that day and I knew that she was happy to have me home for christmas. I will have to write about the funeral another day this has taken too much out of me as it is. I ask that you be kind as you read this I am sure its not very interesting to you but it has been theraputic to me and I will be glad to have expressed it.

extremely long over due posting

SO I took a break from posting about my life as I went through some crazy ups and downs. Ive decided that it would be a good idea to get back into blogging and posting about my life as it helps me remember some of the fun memories =). So.... here it goes 1. I moved to ogden Utah I live in an apartment with my best friend megan as my roommate and this other girl who we have seen all of four times since we moved in. I know her name is mia and that's all I know about her except that's she never really ever in the apartment. I moved to Ogden because I got accepted to Weber University yay! I am currently in the middle of getting my pre requisites done to apply for their nursing program. So far I love this school and am looking forward to getting the rest of my education 2. work I currently work as a med tech at an assisted living called the wellington that is in salt lake so because it is such a long commute I work doubles on Wednesdays and Fridays so I get there at two thirty pm and am there until six thirty the next morning. I take the frontrunner down to salt lake since UTA gives weber students such a great deal for twenty dollars a semester I get a card that allows me access to the front runner trax and buses free of charge. As of Friday I will have been working there for a year and have loved it. I love my boss shes quirky but nice. 3. dating.... I swear that everyone always wants to know if your dating some one so for me I am casually dating a couple of people but nothing serious as of right now. and that's if I have the time between work and school. In the last couple of years I feel like I lost my way a little bit. I have a lot of issues to work on and I grew up a lot. Being an adult looked like a lot more fun from the other side of not being an adult. Insurance, rent, electric, bills in general are so annoyingly there all the time lol. anyway that's whats going on with me hopefully ill remember to update this blog more often Jennifer

A new baby (not mine) the jazz game general confrence and a talk in sacrament :)

Wow I have been very very busy. So far we are about half way through the semester now and things are actually going really well with school I'm doing my pre requesists for nursing school right now and it's intense my new job us going really well I miss working on the floor and seeing all of my residents but it's going to be such a help in nursing school I'm learning all of my meds and what goes into charts and all of the paperwork that goes with helping people it's intense right now I'm training with our medical records department and the audits we have to do are hard work and very time consuming. Things have to be just right or we get a tag from the state for it so it's interesting to learn the office part behind it and I think it will make me a better nurse in the long run my aunt is about four days away from having her baby little Joseph Troy Jentzsch I'm excited to meet him and to finally have him here after nine long months I won tickets to the jazz game this Wednesday at our payroll meeting and I decided to ask my grandpa if he would like to go with me I'm excited to get to spend some time with him I also was able to get three tickets to general confrence Sunday session it should be fun and a good experience I'm thinking about taking my two oldest cousins and spending some time with them I have been asked to speak in sacrament meeting in April and I'm super nervous it's been about a year since I spoke in sacrament so prayers are appreciated :) I think that's it for right now I'll try and update more I promise :)

New year, new job, (kind of) new perspective

So it's been awhile since I posted I honestly just haven't felt like writing I've been so busy with work it just wasn't a priority so we will back up to Christmas or more specifically about a week before Christmas my grandpa had a minor heart attack I got home from church and was told and about an hour later my uncle and I were headed to the hospital my grandpa didn't have to have open heart surgery which we were extremely grateful for he was awake and in good spirits as he sat and talked to us I realized how very short of a time I have with him here on earth that there will come a time when I will miss him telling me random facts about the moon or just about any other topic he can think of I realized how much I will miss him when he is gone and how very grateful I am for the knowledge and the comfort that the church brings to me knowing that life doesn't just end that there is so much more after this life. Christmas was a quiet day we opened presents at nine in the morning my aunt and uncle decided to theme our presents around each of our different talents that we are currently working on Amanda got a violin which she has been asking for for the last year so that she could learn Alexa got an electric piano that she can hook up to the computer and compose her own songs Andria since she is only two got a bunch of fairy stuff which she loves as for me I got a bunch of scrubs and some money to help pay for nursing school. New years eve was spent with the tradition of watching all of the star wars films which takes a really long time lol I got a promotion at my Job I went from being a CNA to being a unit manager assistant I will be working on our rehab unit and I don't have to work Sundays I got a pay raise and they worked my hours around nursing school. School started today I am only going part time since I'm working full time and I refuse to get student loans so I'm paying out of pocket right now school is expensive lol but I went and got a parking pass and went to an institute class my Monday thru Thursday classes are all institute my Friday morning class is a dance class and my Saturday morning class is health and development class that's three and a half hours long so that should be interesting I'm keeping busy and trying to keep on trucking. Bryce and I are still together we hit our six month mark about a month and a half go long distance relationships suck but he is more than worth it to go through the suffering lol I hope you all had a good holiday and go luck to everybody going back to school :) I'll do my everything that happened this year post a little later it's getting late :)

update

so its been a really long time since i have posted anything my job has kept me extremely busy. i work full time as a CNA and I love it every year my company throws our residents a huge thanksgiving dinner that they can invite their family too. they hold it the week before thanksgiving so we dont interrupt other thanksgiving plans that their family might have. so last wednesday was the big dinner we were running our butts off to make sure that everyone looked presentably and that they got to the dining room on time. all of our managment was there and some people from corporate. the dinner went on for about three hours and afterwards everyone went to their rooms with their families. now as you can imagine everyone wants you too take care of their family member first. in a normal shift where everyone shows up on time or shows up at all i take care of about ten people. thats still a lot of people for just one of me and i swear all of their call lights went off at the same time. getting these residents ready for bed is no easy task you have to toilet them make sure their bed is clean make sure they are clean get them undressed get them dressed in pjs get them into bed and make sure the nurse has given them their nightly pills because if the nurse has to wake them up to give them pills there is a pretty good chance they will be up the rest of the night. so needless to say we were all exhausted by the time that shift was done but it was nice to see all of our residents happy. they just published our holiday schedule and i am working thanksgiving and christmas eve so ill be spending the holidays at work but i am actually ok with that cos most of my coworkers and my nurses have become like a second family to me. so i love going to work and working with people who make me laugh and who make my work enjoyable. on a different note a couple of weeks ago bryce came up north to meet my aunt and uncle you would think he would be the one that was a nervous wreck? no i was he was totally calm and my aunt and uncle loved him and he is coming back up north and planning to apply for a job at my uncles company so that will be good and thats the update on my life =)

Lagoon and a new job

So lots to blog about and I have basically no time so it will Probably be pretty short and fast. We shall start with lagoon. Lagoon was awesome Since Bryce and I didnt want to see each other for the first time with his entire extended family watching I actually went and picked him up about an hour before we were supposed to go to lagoon so we could talk and spend some time together with just us two and that was a lot of fun to be able to talk to each other face to face instead of on the phone. I was super nervous to see Bryces family again but his mom walked right over and gave me a hug and told me that they were excited I was there which put me at ease. I then got to meet what seemed like his entire extended family. There must have been 80 people in all with all of the kids running around it was a lot of fun. He got a lot of teasing about me and we had to explain how we met and how we got to together a whole bunch of times but it was kind of fun seeing their reaction to the fact that we had dated in high school lol. We had a lot of fun riding on rides and just being with each other. and since I have gotten this question so many times yes He did kiss me at lagoon so its our "first kiss" since we got back together lol.

Next thing I got a full time job as a CNA at a rehab and long term care center so far I am loving it. It is super hard and super busy and I am constantly running and then suddenly its the end of my shift and I am like wow where did the time go? I all ready love all of the residents there and since it is also a rehab center I have all ready had to say goodbye to some of my favorite residents but its a really rewarding and amazing job to have. since I am not a full CNA yet I am considered an NA I am the first NA that they have ever hired they usually insist that you be certified first but I did my clinicals there and got such a high recommendation from my teacher they decided to take the chance. I just got my results for my written test and I have my skills test tomorrow so prayers would be appreciated so that hopefully I will pass it but I am pretty confident that I will since I use most of the skills everyday at my job. so my life just got super busy and I am glad id rather be busy than bored =)

Recipe for Happiness - results may vary =)

update time!!!

So as some of you know I tested positive for TB with the skin test and I had to go and get a chest x ray to see if I had active TB or not. Thankfully I do not have active TB but I do have dormant TB which means i have a 10% chance of it becoming active in my lifetime. Though if I continue taking the antibiotics that the doctor gives me it will decrease my chances of it becoming active to 1% so I will be fine the only real concern and issue I had with it was how it was going to affect my mission. Basically the church will not send me to anywhere that does not have good health care so I wont be going to Africa or to Russia and depending on how i react to the antibiotics they might have me stay in the states but we will see. I have been volunteering and working in nursing homes since I was 14 so the doctors think that is where I picked it up but the good news is that i will never have to do another TB skin test because it will come back positive every time now so at least i dont have to worry about being stuck with a needle to test for TB anymore.

Other news.... Bryce and I are doing really well. He is coming up with his family next week. His family are coming up to celebrate his dad and his grandpas birthday at lagoon and have asked if i would like to come along and meet all of the family.....scary! lol No I am excited to see him and to spend time with his family and get to know them again. Its hard being so far away from him and I miss him a lot but we talk every day on the phone and text each other constantly its a good thing he has an Iphone as well or we would be in big trouble with both of our cell phone bills =).


My cousins are home-schooled so right now they are studying medieval times so we are planning on having a medieval feast on saturday and we have been very busy preparing for it we have made princess crowns and shields and coats of arms for each of us. Its actually a lot of fun.


My "chore" or at least one of them to help the family is that I make dinner... now most people who know me there first question they would ask me is how many times I have caught the kitchen on fire. well the answer is never lol I have actually discovered that I am actually pretty good at cooking and it relaxes me! go figure lol . My speciality seems to be soups. at least that seems to be the thing that my cousins enjoy me making the most. Tonight I am making French Onion soup from scratch this is my second time making it. the first time was such a hit that i have gotten multiple requests for it again so I decided to make them happy tonight =)


I am currently sewing another patchwork quilt I am planning on giving it to bryce for christmas or his birthday depending on when I finish it. When Bryce and I were dating in high school he made me a quilt for christmas and ever since the running joke we have had is that I have to make him a quilt well three years later I have finally learned how to make a patchwork quilt so I am making good on my promise =) It wont look perfect but hey at least he is finally getting a quilt lol.


I just got back from a camp out with my singles ward we were gone from thursday until saturday we hiked up to lake Mary which was a way intense hike it was straight up hill for four miles but it was so worth it the lake was beautiful. we also hiked up to donut falls which was a really pretty waterfall even though the donut has eroded away now. I had a lot of fun and got to know a lot of the girls really well. I had a lot of fun and cant wait for our ward cabin trip which should be fun with lots more hiking =)


So thats basically how my life has been going its a crazy busy life but I have never been happier and am so grateful for all of the blessings I have in my life.

Stephen, TB test, Bryce

So I havent posted in awhile so I thought I would update everyone on whats going on in my life. I am in school to become a nurse an LPN to be exact and its crazy and I am now super busy with homework and learning all of the medical terms (there is seriously a million of them) but I am having a blast doing it. In order to work in health care you are required to get a TB test. I am deathly afraid of needles the last time I went to get a TB test was my senior year of high school. I passed out and threw up and that was just when i saw the needle not even when they stuck it into me. So as I started going to school I was required to get a TB test needless to say I was a mess. I went with a couple of people from my class and they had no problem but I brought my aunt with me to hold my hand since i was freaking out. we went in and explained to the nurse that i passed out etc so they had me lay down while they went and got the "crash cart" in case anything did happen. my aunt and I sat down held hands and said a prayer that I would be able to do this without a problem. I laid down they cleaned it said one two three and it was over. I didnt pass out or throw up I was just a little shaky so I sat there for a couple of minutes and then walked out of there with no problem. It was amazing and I was so excited that i survived I had like ten texts from people in my class asking if i was ok and if i had passed out. So we will see if I test positive or negative for TB on monday. But at least its over with.

I got to see my brother Stephen for the first time in almost a year and a half, on thursday. He was up visiting my grandparents so I went over to see him after class. I didnt recognize him at first he had gotten so tall! I stayed for dinner and we caught up on what was going on in each others lives I told him about me going on a mission and he told me he has a girlfriend! it was strange to think of my little brother as having a girlfriend he shouldnt be that old! lol It was nice to see him again though and I enjoyed it.


So last but not least I have a bunch of people asking me if its true or not and speculating about it so yes Bryce Tadd and I are dating each other. There now you all know lol Yes I am still planning on going on a mission, yes we are doing the long distance thing. But we feel like being together is right and that it will work out. so there now its out lol.

so I hope that you all have a wonderful week!

The Pioneer Trek ( warning very long post)

wow what a week.... I just got back from a pioneer trek. I am so amazed and inspired by what the pioneers accomplished and what they went through in order to get to zion. So for the trek we went up to Martins Cove in Wyoming. We went with my cousins home school group called liberty Girls. there were about 200 of us in total and we were divided into companies. my families company was the yellow group my uncle troy was our group leader and I was the medical volunteer as I had just passed my CNA test and apparently that qualified me to be in charge in case of emergency lol. my aunt and my cousins and i had been sewing for months to get all of our pioneer clothes done. I am also proud to say that I made my first quilt by myself I did all of the sewing and its not a masterpiece but I am still really proud of it. Its a patch work quilt and cutting all of those squares out was awful but I am so grateful that my aunt has been willing to teach me how to sew. So we finally had everything ready and packed and then found out that it didnt all fit into one car... so we decided to take both the mazda cx9 and the mazda 3. we were a little bit late getting going and were pressing the speed limit getting there as we were driving on the free way a driver in a van next to us fell asleep and drifted into our lane and then into the median hitting the fence that was there and that woke him up luckily neither the driver nor anyone else was hurt but we definitely had guardian angels with us. so we got to orientation right as it was beginning and they showed us a video about what the pioneers who came through martins cove had to go through and of course my aunt and I are bawling at just how sad and amazing the pioneers were. so we went to get put all of our stuff in the handcarts. their were ten people to a hand cart which meant that a family of three was going to be sharing it with us. We met the Reeds who were a very nice couple and had their six year old son with them. The wind was blowing like crazy and getting everything on the handcart was a job but we finally did it and started our three mile trek to the campsite. I ended up pushing the covered wagon that was holding all of the children under eight which included my 2 year old and my 6 year old cousin. we also did a womens pull up the steepest hill of the trail. we all got together and were asked to imagine if our dads our husbands or our brothers had died and we had to make it on our own on the trail how we could have done it. we sang god be with you until we meet again as we said goodbye to the men and watched them walk up the hill we then went back to our handcarts to pull them up my oldest cousins went to help another hand cart who only had one woman pulling it. and my aunt and i pulled the handcart with the 2 year old and the six year old in it. the men all lined up the hill and stood silently watching us as we struggled and fought to keep control of it. I looked up to see most of the men crying including my uncle. We did finally make it up the hill but went right back down to help the other handcarts when every one had gotten up the hill my aunt and my cousins and i joined held hands as we walked back up to my uncle and the symbolism and that amazing spirt that was there I cant even begin to describe. We walked three miles and finally got to the campsite it was cold and windy and just awful weather. Andria my two year old cousin was freezing and my aunt was worried about her getting hypothermia so i took her along with me as I went to do what I had been told to do and check on everyone else to make sure there were no cases of hypothermia or anything else that needed medical attention. we finally got the tent up and ate some dinner and then went to bed since we were all so exhausted from the drive and the walk and the stress of getting there. The next day we woke up and ate breakfast then packed up our handcart with lunch water and my medical bag and started the five mile hike to martins cove. the group ahead of use was an hour and half late getting started so it pushed us back a bit but we were all fine with that it meant we could walk a little slower =) When we did finally get to martins cove they asked us to walk it without handcarts and to walk it silently out of respect for what the pioneers had suffered there and for those that had died there. we were walking on sacred ground. I loved how very peaceful it was there wasnt any thought of being tired or hot or wanting to stop. there was such a strong spirt there. we were truly walking on holy and sacred ground. Once we had walked all the way through martins cove we had lunch and then started our five mile journey back to camp. We would pass by bathrooms and those who needed to stop would stop while the rest continued on well alexa needed to go but no one else on our handcart needed to so I was asked to stay behind and look after her and try and catch up to the cart when we could. So as Alexa and I were walking back to our handcart we were about to walk up the hill when we saw a handcart being pulled by a grown man a little boy and a little girl was pushing. they were having a hard time making it up the hill. Alexa looked at me and said we should help we went and started to push the man being suprised at the fact that it was getting easier looked back to see us and we got up to hill. when we got to the top he told alexa that god had sent angels to help him get up the hill and thanked us for helping him. I have never seen alexa so happy and I have never been more proud of her for being willing to help. we did eventually get back to our cart and join the rest of the family. that night we had a special delivery from the "pony express" and we all recieved letters I even recieved a letter from my aunts mom telling me how glad she was to have me be a part of their family. we all sang pioneer songs around the campfire that night and told stories about where we were from. we had gotten so many questions about who I was and having to explain that I was their niece was becoming complicated so we ended up just telling everyone that I was troys niece who was like a daughter to them. the next day we broke camp and took down the tents and got everything packed up for the three mile trek back to the vistors center we were all wind blown and sun burned and exhausted but we made it back to the vistors center and as we pulled into the hand cart area the lyrics to the song the spirt of god were going through my mind and thought of how profound it must have been after walking and pulling a handcart a thousand miles to finally stop in salt lake and sing praises to the lord. we got everything into the car and started on home as soon as we got home we showered and went to bed exhausted but happy. our trek was amazing and spirtual and I learned so much about myself. I would never have been able to walk that far seven months ago when i first moved in with my aunt and uncle but now I am proud to say that I walked the entire trek.

o savior stay this night with me behold tis eventide

I attend an institute class called doctrines of the hymns. Music has always been a huge part of my life since the whole reason that I danced was to express what I thought the music was saying to me. Music has been what has gotten me through the hardest times in my life. Tonight we were talking about comfort and how heavenly father never leaves you alone. My teacher asked us to think of a song that helps us when we are in our darkest moments. Through the past year and a half I have had to learn some very hard lessons and I cant count the hours I spent on my knees crying and talking to god about what was going on. But on the darkest nights and when I felt the most hopeless and that I couldnt possibly bear any more pain or heartache or sorrow the following hymn was the only thing that could make the feeling going away

Abide with me; 'tis eventide.
The day is past and gone;
The shadows of the evening fall;
The night is coming on.
Within my heart a welcome guest,
Within my home abide.

[Chorus]
O Savior, stay this night with me;
Behold, 'tis eventide.
O Savior, stay this night with me;
Behold, 'tis eventide.

Abide with me; 'tis eventide.
Thy walk today with me
Has made my heart within me burn,
As I communed with thee.
Thy earnest words have filled my soul
And kept me near thy side.

Abide with me; 'tis eventide,
And lone will be the night
If I cannot commune with thee
Nor find in thee my light.
The darkness of the world, I fear,
Would in my home abide.


Now my lessons and sorrows and hurts are different but I still gain so much comfort especially from the words o savior stay this night with me behold tis even tide o savior stay this night with me. I cant count how many times I felt the presence of my savior on those dark nights where I didnt think I could handle things anymore. I am so thankful that I can ask for that comfort and that our savior is loving and cares for each of us so much that he would comfort me even when its nothing compared to what he had to go through. I am so grateful for those institute, relief society and sunday school lessons where you feel the spirt so strongly that you dont know whether to cry or be overjoyed or both. I am so grateful that I have an amazing institute teacher who is willing to take what he learns with his work from the mormon tabernacle choir and share with others. I am thankful.

I am 20 years old!

I turned 20! I am officially no longer a teenager. So this birthday was a fantastic one I had so much fun. Because it was memorial day sara, troy and I decided to celebrate it early since we had a couple of BBQ's we were invited too. So on Friday all of the "grown ups" (meaning sara and troy and I) had a Farscape marathon. And since no one has any idea of what Farscape is. Its a sci fi show that troy got me into and now am addicted too. yes I know I am a geek lol. My cousins also gave me some gifts that they had gotten me they had each drawn me a picture and written me a letter it was very sweet and cute. my aunt and uncle got me a tempurpedic mattress which is absolute heaven and I have no idea how I slept without one before. They also got me a CTR ring thats pink and glittery its really cute, and an itunes card. Sunday I celebrated my birthday with my Grandparents and my aunt I went over and had dinner with them after church and I got a book on money management and some really cute clothes. My aunt gave me a gift card to the movies and I have plans with her to go and see the new twilight movie eclipse. saras parents came over on monday and gave my a birthday card with 20 dollars in it. and saras sister gave me another itunes card so all in all I made out pretty well for my birthday. =) I was also woken up on monday by my two best friends calling and singing happy birthday too me. Bryce called me at six in the morning just to sing happy birthday and to let me pretend to be annoyed at him for waking me up early. Then about an hour later Jill called and sang Happy Birthday very loudly and off key but I loved it. I have some truly amazing friends =)

Its my sister michaelas (though I hear she is going by Claire now) Birthday today so Happy 12th Birthday!

My brother also graduated this last week unfortunately I was not able to attend but I am so very proud of him for making it through high school and not tripping on the stage. Congratulations Adam!

So right now I am looking for another summer job, getting ready to go on the trek and staying busy with my calling in the church. Life is finally in order and moving forward and I couldnt be happier

I'm Baaaack

I am back!!!! wow what a whirlwind finals week then california then back and now were packing to go up to wyoming for the pioneer trek. So first off the vacation was marvelous! My aunt and uncle own a time share so we had a three bedroom condo at a resort for all of you people in the st george area it was a lot like Green Valley Spa. the rooms the pool everything was just amazing. when my aunt and uncle vacation they vacation in style lol. The first thing we did was play on the beach all day which was fun to just relax and play in the water the next day we went to lego land which i thought might be a little bit cheesy and for little kids but it was so much fun everything there is either made to look like its made out of legos or it actually is made out of legos as soon as i figure out how to post pictures on my blog i will upload some. so the next couple of days we relaxed by the pool with complimentary smoothies ( I know your jealous lol ) =) the second day we went to lego land amanda one of my cousins got sick but over all it was still a good day the next day i had the same bug amanda had so i stayed in the condo while everyone else went to the san diego zoo but it was ok i spent the day watching avatar and twilight lol we then got into st george and had some dinner and stayed the night with a couple of my aunt and uncles friends and saw jill before she went to china for ten days which was a lot of fun i forgot that the only thing to do in st george at midnight is go to walmart so I saw a couple of people there. Then we came home over all the trip was amazing and fun and I cant wait to do it again my aunt and uncle are talking about going to the lego land in Florida when it opens next year. Anyway finals week was a nightmare of course but I passed all of my classes which I jumped up and down over as my aunt laughed at how stupid my happy dance was =) yeah so right now were trying to get ready for our pioneer trek in June and doing a really intensive work out routine so that we will be ready to walk the eight miles every day so far its kicking my butt but its working I lost five pounds from it all ready and its only been a week well thats the update hope everyone is doing great =)

Lego Land, The beach, and the temple my dream vacation =)

Hello world I know I know I need to post the rest of the walk with christ but with finals and work and family I have basically no time. So quick update since I wont be online much for the next two weeks. Finals start this week and holy hannah I have never been this stressed about them but I am on top of all my homework ( for the first time in my life lol) so this saturday the day after finals my family and I are headed off to California for ten days were going to lego land the beach and to the San Diego temple and maybe to sea world were still deciding on that. I am so excited to go I havent had a real vacation in almost two years and I love california and have never been to Lego Land so it should be way fun and exciting. Then after we get home from that I have my 20th birthday.... wow I feel so old lol Right now my only big plans are to spend it with my family and then day before my friend Blake apparently has some surprise he has come up with....I think I should be concerned =)then we have a pioneer trek in June where we will be going to Martins Cove and I am way excited for that as well. So basically I have a very busy summer coming up and I am so freaking excited about it. hmmm other news my best friend Bryce moved to pennsylvania today which was way sad but he came up to say good bye to me before he left and its only for the summer and its an awesome job so I am way happy for him. I think thats all for now I love you all have a good week =)

Walk with christ day two

Ok day two of the walk with christ activity for those of you just reading Im doing an activity where you walk with christ the last seven days of his life. Its been really interesting and uplifting so far.
Day two
Day of authority
Jesus Christ returns to the temple and drives the moneychangers from the outer court
read Matthew 21:12-15
thought- we all have things we need to cleanse from our lives each day. this is why our loving heavenly father provided us with the opportunity to repent. Are there things that you need to "cast out" of your "temple"?
challenge- today I will choose one thing that I need to cleanse from my life and sincerely repent and strive to do better
Envelope 2
the card files
in that place between wakefulness and dreams, i found myself in the room. there were no features except for the one wall covered by small index card files. these files stretched from floor to ceiling and went endlessly in both directions. as i drew near the wall of files the first to catch my attention was one that read "boys I have liked" I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it shocked to realize that i recognized the names on each one. i then realized where i was this lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalogue system of my life. here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small in every detail. a sense of wonder and curiosity mixed with horror stirred within me as i began opening files and looking at their contents. . some brought joy and sweet memories others a sense of shame and regret so intense that i looked over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.
a file named friends was next to the one marked friends i have betrayed the titles ranged from the mundane to the weird. books i have read lies i have told comfort i have given. jokes i have laughed at. people i have hurt. some were almost funny in their exactness
things i have done in anger. things i have muttered under my breath at my parents. often there were many more cards than i expected. sometimes fewer than i had hoped i was overwhelmed by the volume of life i had lived. could it be possible that i had the time in my young life to write each of these thousands of millions of cards? but each card confirmed this truth each was written in my own handwriting each signed with my signature.
when i pulled out the file marked songs i have listened too. i realized the files grew to contain the contents. the cards were packed tightly yet after two or three yards i hadnt found the end of the file. i shut it shamed not so much of the quality music but more by the amount fo time i knew it represented. when i came to a file marked "lustful thoughts" i felt a chill run through my body i pulled the file out inch by inch not willing to test its size and drew out a card.

I shuddered at the details. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded a rage broke through me no one must see these cards no one must ever see this room. i have to destroy them. in a frenzy i yanked the file out its size didnt matter now i had to empty it and burn the cards. i took it out and pounded it on the floor not a single card would come outi desperately pulled out a card and tried to rip it but it was strong as steel.
leaning my forehead against the wall i let out a sigh then i saw it the title "people i have shared the gospel with: the handles were brighter than those around it newer almost unused i pulled on its handle a small box fell into my hands. i could count the the cards it contained on one hand. and then the tears came. i began to cry sobbing so deep it hurt my stomach i fell on my knees and cried out in shame the rows of shelves whirled around me. no one must ever know of this room. i must lock it up and hide the key. But as i pushed away the tears i saw him no please not here oh anyone but jesus i watched helplessly as he began to open the files and read the cards. i couldnt bear to watch his response in the moments that i could bring myself to look at his face i saw sorrow deeper that my own he seemed to go to the worst boxes. why did he have to read every one finally he turned and looked at me with pity in his eyes
but this wasnt a pity that angered me i dropped my head and began to cry again but he didnt say a word he just cried with me then he got up and walked back to the wall of files starting at one end of the room he took our a card and one by one he began to sign his name over mine.
No i shouted rushing at him all i could find to say was no no as i pulled th card from him his name shouldnt be on those cards. but there it was written in red so rich so dark so alive the name jesus covered mine. it was written with his blood
he gently took the cards back he smiled a sad smile and began to sign all the cards. i do not think i will ever understand how did it so quickly but the next instance it seemed i heard him close the last file and walk back to my side he placed his hand on my shoulder and said "it is finished" I stood up and he led me out of the room there was no lock on the door. there are still cards to be written...


I love this story repentance is a huge part of my testimony I know that Jesus Christ died for our sins so that he could save us. Thinking of being that girl in that room and how it would have felt to have Jesus say it is finished and the relief and the shame and sadness that she must have felt knowing that jesus had the power to do that but shamed and sad that he had to do it.

walk with christ

So my aunt and uncle are doing an easter activity that I love so I thought I would share it with all of you. Starting today (the sunday before easter) We will be walking with christ through his last seven days on Earth. so here is the description starting this sunday and for each day this week, take a few minutes out of each morning to open the numbered envelope and the corresponding easter egg and read the contents. Have your scriptures handy and a scripture marking pencil. read the indicated scriptures and write your insights into your journal think about the challenges and try to incoporate them into your day keeping christ in your thoughts. put the slip of paper that we have put in each egg on your mirror to remind you. make personal progress a part of this journey. the nature of this activity is such that you will get out of it exactly what you put in. may you blessed with a greater understanding of the saviors life and feel an increase in love and gratitude for his sacrifice.

Day one
day of recognition
Jesus Christ rides through the city gates at Jerusalem and is greeted by followers waving palm fronds as a welcome to their king. He vists the temple
Read Matthew 21:6-11
thought- would we be one of those who cheered as christ rode into the city or would we ask "who is this?" How well do you know the savior?
challenge- I will think of christ more often and make my prayers more meaningful so that i may come to know him better. I love this challenge How many times do we pray but not really think about what were saying? Its just the same words over and over are we praying to have a conversation with god and Jesus Christ or are we just praying because were supposed too?
Envelope one-what it means to know christ
A man passes away and was resurrected and waiting in a room to be interviewed another man was ahead of him. the door opened the man entered the door closed the interviewer began. I want you to tell me what you know about Jesus Christ.
well, he was born of a virgin in bethlehem he lived thirty three years spending the last three in his ministry organizing his church choosing his apostles to direct it giving the gospel to direct out lives.
the interviewer stopped him and said yes, yes thats all true but i want you to tell me what you know about jesus christ.
well, he was tortured and crucified that we might have eternal life. three days later he was resurrected that we might return to our heavenly father.
Yes,yes that is true but i want you to tell me what you know about jesus christ. the man a little perplexed again began well he restored the gospel in its fullness through joseph smith reorganized his church, gave us temples wherein we might do work to save our dead. he gave us family prayer and family home evening where we might unite with our families. he gave us the priesthood to heal the sick and personal ordinances for our salvation and exaltation.
the interviewer again stopped him and said all of what you have said to me is true. the man was then invited to leave the room. after he left the door opened and the second man entered. as he approached the interviewer he fell upon his knees and cried, "My lord, My god."

Would we recognize christ if we walked into that room?

you learn something new everyday

So today in institute we were discussing goals and my institute teacher challenged us to write down 100 things we want to accomplish before we die they could be little things or big things. things we thought we would probably never accomplish but would like to or something that we are very near to accomplishing so I decided to start my list I havent quite gotten to a hundred but I would like to post some of them on here so I can go back later and see how I did in accomplishing them if I accomplish any of them lol.
Hike Havasupi
Get a bachelors degree from BYU
Hike Zions
Become an EMT
Graduate from institute
Be on a dance company again at least for a year
Get a PHD (not quite sure in what yet)
Go on a mission
Get married in the temple
Be a woman of prayer
be an RN
become either an institute teacher or teach world religion on a college level
Always be worthy to enter the temple
Get organized (if you know me you know im terrible at this)
repay my school loans as quickly as possible
Teach a dance class
Own my own dance studio
Be on a professional dance company
Learn to love myself for me not what anyone else thinks of me
Teach my children the gospel
Vist every country
Live a year in England
Own a red or pink vw bug
Read all of the books on the BBC list of books you should read
Volunteer my services as an RN to third world countries that need my help
Continue learning getting as many degrees as I am financially and time wise able to
Become a public speaker
Become a motivational speaker
write a book
learn to draw
learn to sew
learn to cook
become a pastry chef
own a bookstore
read the book of mormon every day even if its just a verse a night
run a marathon
run the st george marathon
build a house with habitat for humanity
act in a play
act in a movie
dance in a movie
learn to sing
own my own house
never go into debt again even for school
own my own car
learn to change a car tire
learn to change the oil
vist all fifty states
write in a journal every day
vist every temple



those are only a few of the things I have listed but I loved this challenge it really made me think about what I wanted to accomplish I hadnt really thought about how many opportunities I really had available to me. I can accomplish and do whatever I set my mind too. My life is so different than what I had envisioned in high school. I always thought I would get married within two to four years of getting out of high school and then have a family. College was just to kind of pass the time until my life started. I now want completely different things. I still want to get married but Im not just waiting for it to happen. I want to go on a mission I want to get as much education as I can. I want to make the world a better place. I have never felt this on fire before its nice to finally have some direction in my life instead of worrying about the stupid things I did in high school like being on the cheer team or who won the game on Friday. I loved high school I had some awesome experiences but its time to let it go and move on with my life and I have never been more excited for my life to start =)

the secret life of Jenny =)

I need to get better at posting because i have so much going on in my life and i get so frustrated at my friends that dont post on their life and i do the same thing lol. So a few things that have happened since I last wrote
1. Im about midterm into my spring semester here as SLCC and I love it! Im thinking that I will take the next few semesters off and just work full time so that I can pay back my school loans before I go any further in school. Word to the wise never go into debt even if its for your education its just not worth all of the stress especially in this economy
2. Life in happy valley as our institute president puts it is going wonderfully I love living with my aunt and uncle they have a completely different view on the world that I am not used to at all. They live by the spirt and follow gods direction in every aspect of their life. When I get married I would love to have a marriage like theirs, they have their problems but I have never seen two people more in love with each other. They dont have t.v. even the basic package. The only reason they even have a t.v. set is to watch movies. Its been interesting not watching t.v and yet at the same time very refreshing I never realized how much time I spent sitting in front of the tube and vegging out.
3. Church is going well I really hate going to a singles ward though so I am thinking about switching to a student ward at the SLCC institute seeing as its right down the street and the singles ward that I am going to is in murray which is about twenty minutes away.
4. Dance I have finally started dancing again and its been amazing though I lost alot of my strength and skill from taking a year off but I am taking a couple of classes and am teaching a basic dance class for kids so all in all going grand.
5. Dating I am not currently dating anyone though there have been some pretty wild rumors flying around out there that I am getting married so no I am not getting married anytime soon which leads me to the next thing
6. Mission I still have a year before I can go on a mission but I have decided to go on one and am preparing for it now I am excited and nervous and scared to death but at the same time thrilled. I never really wanted to go on a mission before getting married but I am happy that I can.

so thats the update finally lol thanks for being patient everyone =) I love you all have a great rest of the week

a week in st george

i just got back from a week in st george which was badly needed. i learned alot about myself and what direction i needed to take. as much as i love st george salt lake is my home and always will be. i love the fact that there is more than four things to do in salt lake unlike st george. i was glad to see alot of my old friends i went shopping with jill which was an experience in and of itself lol i saw karson and went shopping with him i saw david and hung out with him alot i saw bryce after two years and that was a very strange experience to see him and talk to him he grew up i cant believe he is 21 now i feel so young and so old at the same time lol i went to see new moon on thursday at midnight and saw people being completly nuts i mean i like twilight as much as anyone but man people are nuts!!! i wish i had a camera and taken pictures but oh well. i got some christmas shopping done for my cousins and my aunt and uncle now i just need to figure out what to get my parents and siblings. school is starting to wrap up and finals are coming up soon. im starting a cna class on december 7th that goes for two weeks that im excited to finally be taking and hopefully will get a job as a cna soon. so i know how everyone loves the holidays and all of that but honestly i hate christmas i hate the fact that people have lost sight of the true meaning of christmas how everyone is so stressed trying to get all of the 'fun" traditions done that they dont actually enjoy the traditions because everyone is mad at each other or stressed trying to get there i hate the fact that christmas is all about one upping each other on who got the best present oh i got an iphone oh thats nothing i got a macair etc etc i dont like the fact that people have taken christ out of christmas i would much rather have a quiet time at home having a nice meal and actually enjoying each others conversation instead of trying to be four places at once ok thats my rant on christmas lol as for this christmas it will be different to see how my aunt and uncle do it compared to my parents well thats all for now oh and shout out to my friend rachael im so sorry about your grandpa my thoughts and prayers are with you (((hugs)))) have a good week everyone

happy one year anniversary to me!!!!

its been a year since i moved out on my own and so many crazy and wild good and bad things have happened to me. i moved to salt lake from st george and it was one of the best decisions i have ever made. not that i dont love st george but for right now salt lake is where i am supposed to be. i moved twice since i have been here i moved to herriman first to be a nanny for some old friends and that kind of went bad because they were having some money troubles and some other issues. i moved to my grandparents for about three months and that was good and fun i got to know my grandparents a lot better than i ever have before. i then went to vist my uncle and aunt and cousins and within a couple of weeks they had asked me to come live with them and help my aunt with their four kids and this has been the second week i have lived with them its been an adventure and a blast i have all ready learned so much from them. i feel badly that i hadnt had much of a relationship with them while i was growing up i was being a stupid busy teenager that was too busy to deal with being with her family and that makes me very sad now but at least we can try and make up the time now. the only downside is that their downstairs bathroom doesnt work so there are six girls one guy and one bathroom ....yeah its an adventure in the morning we form a line down the hall way sitting and waiting for our turn to go bathroom and doing "the potty dance" lol my cousins are amanda who is ten going on twenty sometimes its hard to remember that she is ten she speaks like she is forty sometimes lol alexa is seven and is turning eight in feburary and is very excited to get baptized soon she is the shy quiet one of the family angela is five and is very in your face if you dont pay attention to her she will make you pay attention to her she is a little ball of energy and its almost impossible to keep up with her then there is andria who is almost two years old and climbs on everything you cant turn your back on her for five minutes because if you do she will be up on the piano bench or on the top of the stool or some other really high place that she is dangerously close to falling from. my aunt sara is an amazing lady she takes care of four young girls and homeschools them all so she is full time mom and full time teacher and she gives me a lot of really good advice my uncle troy is stuck in a house full of six drama queens but he does really well with it he works as a stock brocker and he loves it and i love the way they run there family and how they have accepted me as part of the family i am not a guest in their home i am one of their daughters and they treat me as such lol its funny when sara gets her mommy cap as she calls it on and tells me something like you better put on a jacket its cold and things like i forgot how nice it was to have someone care about you and care about when you got home or ask how your day was how was class i didnt realise i had missed it that much until i had it again im going to st george on november fifteenth and will be there for a week which should prove to be interesting and fun hopefully.... my aunt and uncle and i are starting this new excersie program called p90x its an intense program but it gets results i have done the research on it and its amazing what you can accomplish with it so if we keep at it im hoping that it will kick my butt into shape. my singles ward is going great i love it so far though im the youngest one there lol its funny to see peoples reaction how old are you? oh im 27 how old are you? oh im nineteen blank stare.....really? i even had one guy ask to look at my drivers license to see if i really was only 19 it made me laugh. oh congrats to my friend kelsey who got engaged a couple days ago you will make a beautiful bride =) well thats all for right now i hope everyone has an awesome week